I was just lying in bed with my shower-wet hair wrapped in a towel trying to unpack why the ever-growing social media holiday blitz bums me out, when I stumbled onto a thought train that I felt okay about.
Somewhere along the line my mom decided to be a mom. She chose me. I was in her, and she…
i had a dream about you last night, because i read on that stupid website about how your bike got stolen. which made me realize that i didn’t know you had a bike. did you have a bike when i knew you? i don’t think so. i don’t remember it if you did. it was such a short time, really. that time we were together could fit tenfold into the amount of time that’s passed since i’ve seen you. but still. i think about you sometimes. sometimes, i do. I’m not sure why. i think about how it would be different with you, if it had worked out. how everything would be different. everything would be so different.
it wouldn’t have worked anyway, i know. i didn’t have enough love to sustain both of us, couldn’t make it big enough to fill both your heart and my own, as well, where your love for me should have been. it’s no way to live, really. it’s no way to live.
sometimes i feel like i get flashes of how I’m going to feel in 30 years about decisions I’ve made. or about things that have just happened to me. i try really hard to concentrate and stay still but they always slip away.
He didn’t pick me so I need to move on with my freakin’ life.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
The Avett Brothers - If It’s The Beaches
If I could go back
That’s the first thing I would do I swear that I would
Do my best to follow through
Come up with a master plan
A home-run hit, a winning stand
A guarantee and not a promise
That I’ll never let your love slip from my hands